Given the recent resurgance of interest in my online play "Murder Most Probably" (thanks to a couple of nominations at the 2007 Bloscars) I have decided to post a few choice lines from the script for your enjoyment!
A group of characters arrive at Sodham Hall, a rambling old estate in the village of Much Ferreting On The Goe, to take part in Lady Bea Goode's fundraising murder mystery weekend.
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Lady:
I was once in a Greek tragedy. Do you know Oedipus Rex? Of course it was years ago and I was beautiful then. People came from miles around to sit and gaze at my Jocasta. I very nearly played Mother Superior in the society's production of 'The Sound of Music' a few years ago - I still have the costume upstairs somewhere I think - but I hadn't sung for years and just couldn't get back into the habit.
***
Phil:
He thinks he's so smart. He thinks he has it all sorted. I'll tell you this Butler, I'm not a complete moron.
Butler:
Really? Which part is missing?
***
Lady:
You may have my money, Christopher. I was saving it for a rainy day - and today I felt a plop on my head.
***
Dr:
Oh, Bea. Let me take you upstairs and kiss you on the veranda.
Lady:
Lips would be fine.
***
Cook:
Mind you, he had the look of a Prune about him. 'Face like an elephant's saggin arse' his headmistress used to say.
***
Fanny:
And take care of my luggage, will you? It's outside. I'm sorry for using these doors ...
Butler:
A door is a door, madam.
Fanny:
... but I asked my driver if he'd take me up the back way and he nearly crashed the car.
***
Fanny:
I'm going back to my cabaret roots. I used to do a show in Mexico.
Cook:
How wonderful! Mexico. I love the smell of petrol.
Butler:
That's Texaco.
***
Lady:
Do you remember that day? The day we met at the Henley Regatta? And you punted me up the estuary?
***
Fanny:
Well, in the professional industry the actors would start by warming up. Do you need warmed up?
Butler:
Defrosted might be more appropriate.
***
Lady:
I looked into the tea leaves in my tea cup this morning and do you know what they told me?
Butler:
That the bag had burst?
***
Butler:
I do beg your pardon - a letter for you, Mrs. Oncall.
Phil:
For me? Not a love letter, I hope Butler? Was it scented?
Butler:
No, delivered by hand.
***
Murder Most Probably - more here.